Gundam Wing Suicides
by Rebecca Wolfe
Summary: I decided to write out what kind of suicide notes each gw boy would write, and how other characters would react. Zechs' note added.
1. Heero's Note

Duo laughed at Trowa's glare

A/N: I was just kind of in a suicidal note writing mood one day, and hey, writing a characters suicide note has to be better than writing your own, right? (I'm not depressed or anything though. I'm just peachy in fact.) I decided to extend the note theme by writing the reactions other people had upon the suicide. I'm not sure if this type of thing has been done frequently in gw fanfiction; I certainly don't have time to read them all to find out. Oh, and I decided to throw releena into the suicidal group, 'cause hey, she seems unstable, so it'd be easy anways. And just to make things clear an' all, all of the chapters are separate little note stories, they're not supposed to connect at all. K, I'm done babbling now, on to the fanfic. 

Duo laughed at Trowa's glare. "Oh relax you pansies. Tonight we're going to party, and you can at least act like you're enjoying yourselves." He smiled at the crowd; Trowa, Quatre, Wufei, and Releena. They were nearly at Heero's apartment now, and after that they'd pick up Zecks, Noin, Hilda, and Catherine. 

It took only a moment to ascend the two flights of steps to Heero's room. Duo tried knocking, but Heero didn't answer. He realized the door was unlocked and let himself and his companions in. He almost laughed at how excited Releena looked, finally going inside the apartment of her crush. 

She giggled and pointed to where Heero lay, asleep on his duct-tape patched couch. "I don't know how he could sleep through all our racket. I thought you gundam pilots were supposed to be extra aware and all." 

She sat next to him on the couch and shook him gently. "Heero, wake up. We have a party to go to. Wake up." Frowning, Releena shook him harder. Her voice was panicked when she looked to Duo, "Duo, he's not waking up. Something's wrong."

By now everyone was standing around Heero, concern showing on their faces. "Heero, man, this ain't funny. Wake the hell up." Duo frowned, and wondered if he should try jumping on the sleeping pilot.

Trowa cleared his throat and everyone looked to him. He had traveled to Heero's desk, and in one hand he held a large bottle of aspirin upside down to show it was empty, and in the other he held a piece of paper. "I don't think Heero's going to wake up, ever."

"Nooo!" Releena wailed, desperately throwing herself on him as if to shield his body from their words and somehow their truth. "Heero, I know you wouldn't leave me. Please, please wake up! I know you're alive, you have to be alive . . . " Soon she was reduced to whimpering and gently shaking him. "Please wake up Heero. Just wake up. Wake up Heero."

Wufei sniffed at Releena disdainfully. "Just like a woman to loose control of her emotions. And just like Heero to run away from his emotions." 

In a flash Releena was on her feet and backhanded Wufei with all her strength, managing to leave red marks on the slight man's face. "Don't you ever say that about Heero. He was too brave to ever run away. He was stronger than you, he was stronger than anyone!" She put her face in her hands, a sob rising to her throat. "He was so strong . . . " She slid to the floor weeping. 

Duo sat next to her, hushing her and putting an arm around her shoulders to hold back some of the sobs that racked her body. He comforted her still in a daze. How could he have lost Heero? He had been like a brother, a friend. How could he just be gone?

Duo looked around him for a moment, trying to gain clarity. Instead he saw Quatre clutching his stomach with tears pouring from his eyes, Trowa looking like he was trying to look stoic but like he really wanted to cry, and Wufei holding his cheek indignantly. 

Trowa cleared his throat again. "I'm going to read his note. Does anyone think they can't handle it for me to read aloud?"

Around the room heads shook. Trowa looked at the piece of paper and with his quiet, eloquent voice read the words Heero had used his last thoughts on. 

__

Just the fact that I'm writing this note as an explanation of my death proves that becoming a gundam pilot changed me. Having the four of you as brothers made me realize that I didn't have to be alone. Knowing Releena made me realize that there was someone out there that could perhaps care for me. 

But as much as I've changed, it isn't enough. I am a warrior. My life has been one to train me for fighting, my dreams are of fighting, my hopes of fighting well. And now that the fighting has ended, so must I. The world has no use for me, and I have no longing to stay here where there is no enemy. How ironic, my Releena, that you wanted peace and me at the same time, but to get one the other would die. 

I hope no one will feel sadness at my passing. I have been close to death since becoming a gundam pilot. Always facing self destruction and battles that left me outnumbered. But now that I've given myself the mission to die, I will not fail. I accepted it a long time ago, when I figured that my purpose was to bring about peace. Perhaps that is why I was so fearless to self destruct; I knew my time would come soon anyways. Please don't see my suicide as running away, or as tragic. Think of it simply as a warrior completing his last mission.

Goodbye forever,

Heero Yuy

Releena sniffed. "He called me 'my Releena'." A small smile showed on her tear stained face. Then it turned to a grimace. "But why wasn't I enough for him? Oh God, why couldn't I have been enough for him? I am so sorry." She went back to sobbing. 

Wufei awkwardly put a hand on his shoulder. "I am sorry for the things about Heero I said." He told her grudgingly. "I suppose he was too brave to run away."

Duo stood up slowly. "Heero lived a hard life. He probably would have hated an easy life anyways. He wanted to die. We should respect that, and move on." The words were hard to say; he wasn't sure he believed them all. But both Quatre and Releena seemed to take some comfort in them. Releena wiped her eyes, and Quatre stood up shakily.

"We'll remember him always." Releena said softly. "And I'll love him forever."


	2. Duo's Note

Hilde and Quatre smiled across the tray they carried, containing Duo's surprised birthday cake for his surprise birthday party

Hilde and Quatre smiled across the tray they carried, containing Duo's surprised birthday cake for his surprise birthday party. Heero stood behind them, looking awkward with the brightly packaged gifts in his hands. "Come on Heero, try to show some enthusiasm." Releena encouraged.

As a response all he got was a disconcerted, "Hn."

Hilde rolled her eyes at the him and thought about Duo. This party, small as it was, would hopefully only help Duo's new found good mood. For so long after the peace had been established, Duo had seemed depressed. But a couple days ago it was as if he had just woken up from a bad dream. He had told everyone how important they were to him, given people gifts that had been his valued objects, and just been generally kind and generous. She so looked forward to giving something back to him.

Hilde was so excited she didn't bother knocking. "Duo?" She called out his name, wondering which of the small rooms of his apartment he was in. The others joined in calling, but none received any answer. She and Quatre laid the cake down on his table, and Hilde saw the piece of paper on the table.

"Look, he left a note. Maybe he knew we were coming afterall. I hope he didn't try to ditch us on his own birthday." Hilde picked up the note and began reading. After the first few sentences understanding reached her, but she was in enough shock to finish reading. When she looked up at her concerned friends, tears were spilling unnoticed down her cheeks. "Oh God." She mumbled before collapsing on the ground. 

Heero picked up the fallen note and began reading: 

__

Hey, I know this will be a surprise for you all. I was the loud, happy, joking one. But I was also the God of Death, and being Death, how can I not wonder at the experience I cause others but never have myself? Death isn't just a curiosity I wish to fulfill, however. But it seems it's the only thing left I have. My life has been so intense, so full. Now it feels empty and wasted. Before I had a purpose. I guess I just don't remember how to live without one. I'm sorry Hilda, I'm sure you could have taught me how. But I can't wait that long. I need to taste the death I gave so freely to others. I'm not the God of Death anymore, I'm nothing. I'd rather be dead than nothing, this way my memory will actually mean something. The other gundam pilots, I know you'll understand. Hilda, I don't know if you can. I hope you'll forgive me for leaving. 

The God of Death finally rests,

Duo Maxwell

Quatre looked like he was going to be sick, and sat down. Releena looked faint, and turned away to look out the open window. She let the wind comfort her for a moment. Then she looked down, and screamed, backing away from the window. Heero walked over to her, putting his arms around her in an attempt to comfort her. He already knew what she had seen; Duo's body. He hadn't thought Duo would go out that way, he didn't seem like a jumper. 

Heero tried to shake such logical thoughts from his mind, tried to be emotional and sad. It just didn't seem real. Another death, after so many they had caused. It didn't seem possible anymore, for a gundam pilot to die. He had begun to feel his friends were immortal. 

Heero led her away from the window, and took a hand away from Releena to place on the hysterically sobbing Hilde.

"I should have known." She wailed. "I should have seen it, I loved him and knew him and I should have seen it. I could have stopped it, oh God, why did this have to happen?"

Heero guided her out of the room and motioned the crying Quatre to follow them. "Right now we have to tell Trowa and Wufei. Everything will be alright Hilde."

She wasn't sure if she believed him, but nodded her head. She could at least be brave for Duo. She wondered briefly if she was brave enough to follow Duo to the grave, but put that thought away for later and followed Heero from her dead love's apartment.


	3. Trowa's Note

Catherine looked at the ominous piece of paper lying on Trowa's couch

Catherine looked at the ominous piece of paper lying on Trowa's couch. She had come looking to talk to him, but the note didn't seem right, something about it . . . She picked up the piece of paper with shaky hands, and read it over quickly.

__

I'm truly sorry if this causes anyone negative experiences. My whole life was either a fight behind a gundam, shrouded in darkness, or living behind a smiling clowns mask. All of them allowed me to hide from myself, to not be the real me. And now that all of them are over, I can finally look at who I am. Unfortunately, I discovered I hate myself. You can imagine how disappointing that was. So I'm stuck in a place where I can't stand to hide behind masks anymore, and I can't stand to live with myself. The solution then is obvious; the only way to do neither is to die. Once again, I'm sorry if this causes negative experiences. 

Trowa Barton

Catherine felt tears slipping down her cheeks. "He hated life here. Oh God, and I thought he loved me." She began weeping uncontrollably, not sure she wanted to live without him, and wondering if he knew just how negative an experience he'd just given her.

A/N: sorry his was so short. Though I have a feeling that Wufei's and Quatre's won't be as long as the first two either. Heero and Duo were my favorite two, you see. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do for Releena, so I'll go with "no comment."


	4. Quatre's Note

Trowa looked all around the room, worry creasing his forehead

Trowa looked all around the room, worry creasing his forehead. When he at last found Quatre in a heap on the floor, he felt something squeeze his heart. He rushed over to the blonde Arabian, fingers going immediately to search desperately for a pulse, a sign of life, anything. Instead they found a crumpled note clutched in Quatre's cold, dead hands. His eyes raced across the paper.

__

Sorry if I cause any pain, but I couldn't live with the knowledge of how much pain I had caused others, or with all the pain that's still in the world. I'm too sensitive to all the pain, as if I can feel every broken heart as my own and every shattered dream as my own hopes lost. I'm too tired to live with the pain, not just all the world's pain but the own pain that I've caused. I took so may lives, I sentence myself to death. My life has served it's purpose, my mission is complete. 

I love you all,

Quatre Raberra Winner

Trowa brushed away the tear that tried to escape, and then closed Quatre's eyes. "I'm glad that at last the pain has ended, my friend."


	5. Wufei's Note

Duo looked over Wufei's note one last time, trying to remember the words

Duo looked over Wufei's note one last time, trying to remember the words.

__

My honor has been served, justice has been sought. My life's purpose has been met, and now all I wish is to be with Nakatu. There is nothing left here for me on earth. She waits for me in death, and I go now to her. That you all for giving my life purpose, may you all continue to find one.

Chang Wufei

Then he placed the paper on the cofin, along side other items of remembrance and various colored roses. It had been three days since the fifth gundam pilot's body had been found. Even now, at his funeral, no tears were shed except by a few women and Quatre. He wouldn't be missed much, he wouldn't be longed for or mourned, but Duo was proud to have known such a fierce seeker of justice. One thing at least; Chang Wufei would be remembered.


	6. Releena's Note

Zech's opened the door for Heero, guiding him through the large rooms of Releena's mansion

Zech's opened the door for Heero, guiding him through the large rooms of Releena's mansion. "Thank you for giving the relationship another shot." Zech's told the younger pilot. "My sister has been really depressed since you told her there was no way for things to work."

"I still don't think they will." Heero told him. "But a deal's a deal. You out-fought me, so I'll give your sister another shot. Maybe I should make her my mission."

Zechs laughed, but a bit nervously. "Just don't make the mistake of telling her that the reason you want her is because I made a bet with you."

Heero nodded. "Don't worry, I'm not stupid, just – " His words were cut off when his feet touched down on slippery liquid. He looked down on the floor and his eyes widened in shock. The polished wooden floor was covered in blood. Heero and Zechs ran to the source of it, where Releena was sitting in a chair, her wrists slit open and the blood still dripping onto the oak floor. 

"Dear God." Zechs said, and searched for a pulse, despairing when he found no trace of life. "God, why would this happen?" 

Zechs jumped when he heard the sound of a gun being loaded. With his other hand Heero set down the piece of paper he'd picked up while Zechs had looked for signs of life. Heero handed Zechs the gun, who was still too much in a daze and accepted it.

"Your sister died because of me." Heero's face was for once awash with emotion; shame and regret and sadness. "My life is yours to take."

Zechs wildly through the gun to the ground. "I don't want to kill you! I don't want anyone to die, God, Releena, why did you have to die?" He turned back to Heero. "Get the hell out of here. Get away from her, just get away!" 

  
Heero backed away, looking miserable, and finally fled the room. Zechs took in a few deep breathes and shakily picked up the note, reading it slowly and carefully.

__

I can't go on living like this. The only person I ever cared about, has rejected me. I'm sick of being hurt. I would do anything for him, I would die for him, all I want is him to be happy, and i feel that as soon as i am gone, he will be happy, because I know as bad as it hurts me when we see each other, it disgusts him even worse. And I don't want him to disgusted anymore. But soon it will be all better, I will be gone, he will be able to get on with his life and everyone will be happy and better off.   
I just want to let you know I do this for you Heero. I hope your happy.

Releena Peacecraft

When he put down the note, understanding more, he almost regretted leaving Heero alive, and reached for the discarded gun.

  
  



	7. Hilde's Note

Duo walked quickly to reach Hilde's apartment

Duo walked quickly to reach Hilde's apartment. He was late again; not good. She seemed to be so sad whenever he was late or forgot to call her or return her messages. As if she felt he didn't have time to love her or something; and as if she would accept it. 

So he ran up the steps, and was out of breath by the time he reached her small room.

He never bothered to knock and so just walked in. "Honey – I'm home!" He yelled, a bright smile on his face and a joking tone in his voice – as always. His smile melted away quickly when he didn't see Hilde waiting for him on her favorite chair.

"Hey, Hilde babe, sorry I'm late!" He called out, going towards her room. He smiled affectionately when he found her lying down with her back to him on the single bed. She looked so petite and cute, all curled up. 

"I'm really sorry babe. Forgive me? 'Cause I was really looking forward to partying hard over at that nightclub." He sat down and put a hand on her shoulder. He recoiled immediately; shocked at how cold she was. Understanding overcame him in a wave of nausea as he sickly turned her over and stared into dead eyes.

"Oh God."

Duo felt his head spin for one dizzying moment. When everything cleared he realized the reason he still couldn't see right was because tears were blurring his vision. "You can't be dead, Hilde, babe." He said softly, gently tracing her cheek bone down to her stubborn jaw, feeling her cold lips. "I'm the God of Death, I won't let you die. I'm the God of Death. You can't die, I won't allow it. I won't let you, I'll-" 

Duo exploded, jumped off the bed screaming as he slammed his fist through her plaster wall. He yelled and screamed in outrage, kicking holes into the walls and throwing himself against them. He finally collapsed in a heap, sobbing uncontrollably on the bed next to her. He wrapped his arms around her, holding her to him, crying on her shoulder. "I won't let you die." He whimpered. "I'm the God of Death and I forbid you to die."

For hours he lay there next to her, sobbing wildly and whispering how she was forbidden to die. Slowly he calmed down; his breathing slowed, his tears subsided, he stopped whispering, and he sat up slowly as he wiped his eyes. Staring at her body, he saw past it to a piece of paper taped to the wall. 

Knowing what it was, he reached for it and read Hilde's note slowly.

I'm not sorry I had to leave; but I'm sorry if I hurt anyone. I probably won't though; I'm just in the way. I'm unimportant next to Duo. He says he loves me, but he shouldn't. I don't deserve him. He's too good for some forgotten child pilot. I've been outshined by him, but he's too stubborn to leave me. So I have to leave him, and if I have to leave him, I want to leave everything. I don't want to live without him, but I see how I don't deserve him. He deserves someone better. I hope you find someone worthy of you, Duo. Please just forget me.

Love always,

Hilde 

Duo let out a painful sob. The pain in his chest clutched at his heart and he let out a throat-tearing scream. "It was my fault." The realization sent sharp pains through his chest and stomach. For a moment he thought he couldn't breathe; thought he would suffocate.

Then he slowly unclenched his fists, slowly raised his head and took in a sharp breath. Hands shaking, he lifted himself up off her bed. He brought a blanket up around her and tucked it up to her chin. Then Duo walked out of the room, wondering who he needed to call to set up a memorial. Last wish or not, Hilde would not be forgotten. 


	8. Zechs' Note

A/N: Sorry Avelon, I know you didn't want me to do Zechs

A/N: Sorry Avelon, I know you didn't want me to do Zechs. Don't worry, it's not good enough to make you cry. I didn't even think I could find a reason for Zechs to ever want to commit suicide; I mean, it's Zechs! So I had to stretch, but hopefully it at least fits his and Noin's character this way.

Noin smiled at the sight of the sun playing with the long, lacy curtains of the cabin bedroom she was sharing with Zechs. It cast frothy shadows across the floor, and gave her glimpses of the cliffs that over looked the ocean. 

Still smiling she turned over to run her hands through her love's beautiful blonde hair. Her face turned quickly into a frown when she discovered he wasn't there. She sighed and sat up. The night before had been too perfect, she hoped this didn't mean he was becoming irritable again.

It was hard to be mad at him, considering what he'd gone through. It was just so unfair, she told herself for the thousandth time. Forcing the gundam pilots and Zechs to sign documents stating they'd never fly again to assure the safety of the colonies. It was just so unfair! 

Quatre almost had had a heart attack after hearing the knews, knowing it was largely his breakdown in Epyon when he almost destroyed a colony that had brought upon the public's want for such an agreement.

Zechs had seemed hit worst however, when he found out he'd never be able to fly in space or even in most planet-side aircraft. He'd had shouting fits of rage, stormy silences, threatened to steal a gundam, and generally not taken the news well. She had never known how much flying meant to him until his gift had been taken away.

Yet last night a peace had come over him, something she'd worried he'd never reach again. It had been so perfect, he better not have ruined it by following through with his threat to steal an aircraft. 

When she pushed on the bed to get off she heard a crackle of paper and looked around the bed curiously until she found a note addressed to her.

Noin- 

I apologize for leaving. I loved you and hate to leave you. But I can't live a life where I've left space. They've taken away my ability to fly, and I'm not a ground dweller. Without my wings, I plummet to earth, broken and meaningless. Earth feels too strange; the gravity, the weight of it all. The weight crushes me, I'm afraid. Sometimes my heart still flies, Noin, when I'm with you. I would not have lasted so long on earth if not for that. Please have my body burned to ashes, and scattered across space, so they at least can dwell in the beauty of space forever. Tell Heero Yuy he gained my respect, tell my sister she has changed the world for the better, and thank you for teaching my heart to fly. 

Zechs 

Noin's head was spinning by the time she finished. She looked out her window to the cliff's dropoff to the ocean, and understood immediately how he'd killed himself. She wiped uselessly at the tears that were falling now. "Oh God." For a moment it seemed as if the world had crashed around her, that the earth's weight would crush her as well.

Then she sat up. Years of military training took over and she straightened her posture and strained to stop crying. Afterall, a fellow soldier's last requests had to be carried out. His last words would be told to Releena and Heero, and his body would have to be found to be cremated.

"Then I'll take the time to mourn." Noin promised herself. "Besides," She added, feeling herself tear up again, "At least this way he got to fly one last time."


End file.
